A Proposal Must Be Perfect
by Green Amber
Summary: In this prequel to A Hawaiian Wedding, Orihime recieves mixeduped signals from Ulquiorra and decides to get married. Ichigo tries and fails yet again to inform Rukia of his true feelings for her. UlquiorraOrihime IchigoRukia


**Title:** A Proposal Must be Perfect

**Series:**Bleach

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**Characters/Pairings:** Orihime, Ishida, Ulquiorra, Aizen, Ichigo, Rukia, Isshin, Ryuuken, Chad, Grimmjow, Zael

**Rating:** PG

**Summary:** Orihime recieves some mixed-uped signals from Ulquiorra and decides to get married. Unfortunately, nobody bothered to inform Ulquiorra of this change in situation.

**Notes:** This is the prequel to **A Hawaiian Wedding is the Key to A Lifetime of Happiness**. I think that it's filled with even more crack than the first one.

* * *

It had come to be a weekly tradition that every Wednesday, Aizen and Orihime would sit down to tea and chat about their respective weeks.

Actually, chat was a bit of a strong word. Basically, they spent the whole time talking to themselves about themselves and attempting to hear themselves over the other's voice.

This Wednesday was different.

Aizen started the conversation as usual with the customary "And how are you today, Inoue-san?" before starting to launch into his own week (this week he had made excellent process in memorizing the lyrics of multiple hit songs from the Beetles. Last week had been Elvis Prestly). However, before he could start singing his own praises about how he sounded just like John Lennon and Paul Macartney, Orihime said something that actually caused him to pause.

"I've decided to get married." Orihime then took a sip of her tea, looking very pleased with herself.

Aizen's mouth was slightly parted and he looked like something not entirely unlike a fish. "When did this happen?"

The girl beamed at him from across the table. "Yesterday."

"And who is the lucky man?" Aizen went through all the names of all of the Soul Reapers and humans that he knew in an attempt to figure out who had proposed to the young girl. If this was another one of Gin's "oh-so-funny" jokes... he was shipping the joker back to Matsumoto. Surely Gin's old girlfriend and love of his life would be able to knock some sense into him. At the very least, she would smack him with her handbag for proposing to another girl.

"Ulquiorra," Orihime chirpped, helping herself to one of the little tea cakes sitting on her plate.

It took all of Aizen's willpower not to fall out of his chair. "Ulquiorra? Ulquiorra proposed to you?" He should have known. He had always suspected that there was something about that one Espada. Why else would Ulquiorra have gone off to find Orihime half-naked if he hadn't planned on seducing the young girl?

His half-murdeous thoughts were paused when Orhime smiled rather mysteriously.

"Not yet. But he will."

"So, he hasn't proposed to you."

"He's going to."

"How can you be so sure? You've obviously been spending too much time in your room. Maybe I should start getting Halibel to take you out for walks." Aizen mused to himself.

"HE IS SO GOING TO PROPOSE!" Orihime screeched, banging her fist on the table and sending her cup of tea smashing to the ground. "If he wasn't, then why would he give me this?!" And with that, Orihime slammed a magazine onto the table.

_Planning Your Dream Wedding_ rang the caption over a blushing bride.

Aizen smacked a hand over his eyes in defeat.

XXX

It had been the Saturday earlier that week when Ulquiorra unknowingly sealed his fate.

He had walked into Orihime's chambers forgetting as usual to knock. Behind him came the nameless servant, who Yami would most likely "accidently" sit on at some point or other, pushing a cart of food.

Orihime was busy bouncing on her bed with her shoes on.

Ulquiorra twitched as she got dirty footprints all over the crisp white sheets.

"Get down," he ordered.

Orihime continued to bounce. "No."

"Get down, or I will drag you off."

Orihime, as usual, ignored the threat and continued to speak. "Have you ever been on a roller coaster, Ulquiorra? It's the most amazing feeling in the world, especially when you're on one of those roller coasters that goes upside down and you've just eaten a hot dog. And then, you have to fight to keep your food down for the rest of the day. One time, I went on and my stomach was so silly and I couldn't hold it down and the man behind me was so mean to me, so Tatsuki punched him in the gut and -"

Ulquiorra held up a plate topped high with sour key candies. "Your lunch is getting cold."

Orihime paused and stared at him for a moment, before grinning. She bounced over to the back of the bed.

Ulquiorra had the strangest sense of forbearing.

Orihime ran across the bed before jumping high in the air. "Catch me!"

Ulquiorra was promptly squished as Orihime tackled him.

"Oh, Ulquiorra. You're just so strong and gentleman-like. Were you perhaps a Prince or a Duke in a past life?"

Ulquiorra decided that it would be best to inform the young human of the consequences of her actions. "You are crushing my spleen."

Orihime looked most apologetic. She crawled off of him, her eyes starting to water. "I'm sorry. It's just I miss my friends and I was getting so bored with nothing to do..." She sniffed and tears started pouring down her cheeks. "There isn't even anything I can read." More tears wet her cheeks and she began to look rather horrible. Orihime was one of those people who should just never cry, as it completely blotched up her complextion.

Ulquiorra supposed that what he was currently feeling must be an after effect of his crushed organ. Why else would he feel so horrible as he watched the girl before him burst into tears?

"Would you like me to get you something to read?" He had been meaning to see if the scum who lived in the living world had all dropped dead yet anyway, so he might as well pilliage a couple stores for Orihime anyway. It was on his way afterall.

Orihime's tears stopped almost immediately. "Would you? I've been wanting to find out the latest fall fashions and I need some tips on how to avoid split ends. You know the climate here does absolutely nothing for me, I've had so many split ends since I got here. And oh! I want to know how Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are doing! They're such a cute couple you know, and I have a bet going with Rukia that they're going to stay together for the rest of their lives. Of course, Rukia was being rather silly and saying that there was just no way possible that they would last that long. But I told her that where there was love, hope would find a way, and Rukia said that she doubted that there was much love between them and it was more about the lust anyway. And I told her-"

Orihime never even noticed when Ulquiorra left the room.

XXX

Upon coming to the Living Realm, Ulquiorra had discovered to his great disappointment that the scum were still prancing about merrily without a care in the world.

Disappointed and disillusioned, Ulquiorra made his way into a small grocery store, figuring that he could at least make himself feel better by pilliaging their magazines. Only to find to his disgust that all of the magazines featured smiling stick people who looked vaguely like women, wearing the most eye-blinding colours possible.

Reds? Oranges? Browns? Blacks? Navy Blues?

What in the world were these horrible creatures thinking? Ulquiorra was almost tempted to give them all to Grimmjow for daring to alter the jacket that Ulquiorra had designed especially for Grimmjow's horrible broad shoulders that refused to allow any jacket to completely close, but he restrained himself. He was better than the trash that was Grimmjow (and of course, Grimmjow's alterations only made Grimmjow look more awful than he already did).

He made to draw his sword when he saw a vision that caused him to pause in something that we can only assume to be awe.

There on the cover was a vision dressed all in white. None of those stupid alternate colours, but white. Perhaps there really were some pieces of trash in this pathetic realm that actually displayed a higher sign of intelligence than he had ever given them credit for.

Ulquiorra's fate was sealed as soon as his hand touched the Wedding magazine.

XXX

Needless to say Rukia was in shock when she recieved a text message on her phone from Orihime, declaring that her friend was going to get married.

Naturally, she was delighted.

Naturally, Ichigo was pissed.

Orihime's call could not have come at a worse time. Ichigo had woken up that Wednesday morning with a sudden determination to tell the world to go screw off, and to go in the face of danger and inform Rukia that he might possibly have feelings for her that weren't definitely not of the romantic kind.

He had just finally gotten Rukia alone (after pitching Kon and Pyon out of the window and slamming the door in his father's face), and they had been seated on his bed. Rukia had looked slightly confused as to why Ichigo was acting like this was the most important day of his life and if he should so screw it up in any way, he was going to go and jump off a cliff.

Ichigo had just started to say: "Rukia, there's something that I've been wanting to tell you for quite a while now..." and his hand had been reaching out to clasp her own, when Rukia's cell phone began beeping. Rukia snatched her hand away from Ichigo, leaving the boy to start muttering away dangerously about how he was going to tear off the damn Hollow's damn mask and punch him in the f-ing face.

"Why?" He would complain later to Chad. "Why did she have to phone right then?"

Chad shrugged as he pulled the bottle of beer away from Ishida who was currently passed out on the table. "Perhaps she wished to spread the good news."

Ichigo shook his head angrily. "I'm telling you, she's out for revenge."

Chad raised an eyebrow.

"What?" His friend demanded. "I'm serious. Ever since that one time I fell on her head, Inoue has been out to kill me. It wasn't like it was even a very bad bruise either," he muttered darkly.

A skinny hand slowly moved across the table, its intended target? The beer bottle.

Chad raised it into the air. "I think you've had enough."

"No..." Ishida whinned as he reached a quivering hand into the air, and consequently fell off his chair.

Chad sighed and picked the skinner boy up and sat him firmly on the chair. "Listen there are other fish in the sea."

"No..." Ishida whinned.

"And what," Ichigo demanded, jabbing a finger at his self-proclaimed rival. "Is his problem, anyway? He's been like this ever since Rukia told us all that Orihime's decided to marry that stupid Espada! And did I mention that she called right when I was going to finally tell Rukia about how I felt about her?!"

"Remember, Ichigo. Deep breaths."

"I was this close, Chad." He raised two finger about a centimetre apart. "This close and Rukia would have been telling me that she loved me all this time, not stupid Renji, or that stupid guy who's supposed to look like me. But ME. And then, I would have kissed her and then we would have..." He trailed off, a dazed look coming on his face.

"Ichigo?"

Ichigo smiled. "Oh, we would definitely have done that."

"...Ichigo?"

"We should probably wait to do that until after the second date."

Chad was starting to get distrubed by Ichigo's pink cheeks and glazed eyes. He grabbed the beer bottle that was in front of him as well. "Snap out of it."

Ichigo giggled. "You can call me anything you want, baby."

Down on the floor, Ishida began to croak:

_It was almost love_

_It was almost always_

_It was like a fairy tale we'd live out, you and I_

_And yes, some dreams come true_

_And yes, some dreams fall through_

_And yes, the time has come for us to say goodbye._

He burst into tears at the end.

Overhead, yelling came.

"YOU GAVE MY SON ALCOHOL?!"

"But Ryuu-chan! They're healthy boys!

"I'm going to skewer your ass, Soul Reaper."

"Ryuu-chan! Such language! And in front of Masaki!"

"Bloody Soul Reaper."

"Oh! Shot straight to the heart! You know what that means!"

"Oh God."

"You must atone for hurting my feelings!"

"I refuse to apologize."

"That's fine. I didn't want an apology anyway."

"... you didn't?"

"Nope! I demand a hug instead!"

There was a short scream, as the basement door burst open and two men tumbled down the stairs all the way to the bottom.

"Ichigo!" Isshin bounced up. "Did you boys all have fun with your first experience of alcohol?"

Chad continued to look drained of all energy, Ishida continued to cry, and judging from the smile on his face, Ichigo had a very nice image in his head.

Ryuuken Ishida groaned. "My back."

His son looked up from his position on the floor. "Daddy! My heart's been broken!"

Ryuuken twitched. "Daddy?"

Isshin sighed and fluttered his lashes. "Ah! What every father longs for his beloved son to address him as. I am still eagerly awaiting the day that Ichigo will address me as something other than 'my old man', isn't that right Ichigo?"

"Why, of course you can wear that if you really want to, Rukia..."

Isshin blinked. And blinked again. "Could it be? Has my idiot son finally realized that he was feelings for my beloved third daughter?"

"Honestly, Kurosaki." Ryuuken spat as he tried to detach his own son from clinging to his ankle. "What did you expect?"

Isshin's cheeks reddened, and he looked away.

Ryuuken's jaw twitched. "You arranged a marriage, didn't you?"

Isshin tried to look modest. "Maybe. I kind of won my Vice-Captain's first-born daughter in a poker game, and since Rukia is his heir..."

"She automatically becomes the equivalent to his first-born daughter." Ryuuken finished. "Your logic needs work." He picked up his son and began walking up the steps of the basement. "Alright, Uryuu. Let's go get your stomach pumped. Who knows what that idiot of a Soul Reaper placed into that alcohol."

"Daddy."

"It's Ryuuken, Uryuu."

"Daddy."

A pained sigh. "Yes, Uryuu?"

"Why did you never buy me that pony?"

XXX

"What do you think of this one?" Orihime shoved a gaudy wedding ring with a large pink shaped heart into Rukia's face.

Rukia looked sick as she pushed Orihime's hand away. "No. Just no." She picked up a simple gold ring with a single diamond. "How about this one?"

Orihime cocked her head to the side, before shaking her head. "No, that's not the one either." She took the ring and tossed it over her shoulder to join the growing pile of rings that littered the floor. The jeweller huddled in a corner, with the impatient looking Grimmjow standing over him.

"Are you stupid females done yet?" He demanded before a ring hit him square between the eyes.

"Opps." Rukia shot him a vicious smirk.

Grimmjow glared. _Must not kill the stupid female. Aizen has plans for her. Must not kill the stupid female. Even though it would piss off that stupid punk... Maybe he would even put up a decent fight for once... MUST NOT KILL THE STUPID FEMALE. MUST NOT KILL THE FEMALE. AIZEN WILL BE MAD. THE KID WILL BE MAD. AIZEN'S PET WILL START SCREECHING LIKE THE HARPY SHE IS. Must not kill female... They never did say anything about the clerk..._

Rukia held up another ring to the light. "Isn't it Ulquiorra's job to chose the ring, anyway? Why's he making you do it?"

Orihime shrugged as she tried a ring on her finger. It was an emerald and it reminded her of Ulquiorra's eyes. "Because he has no fashion sense."

Grimmjow snorted, while Rukia chose wisely not to comment.

Orihime stared at the ring for a moment, before nodding her head. "Yes. This is the one. Pay the clerk, Grimmjow."

Grimmjow grinned and cracked his knuckles as he stared down at the quivering clerk. "Of course, Orihime. I live to serve."

"Inoue-san, I don't think that he's going to pay..." Rukia reached into her pocket for her Soul Candy dispenser.

"GRIMMJOW!" Orihime snapped with a screech.

Grimmjow winched, clapping his hands over his ears.

Orihime pointed to a mountain of shopping bags. "Carry those."

The Sixth Espada grumbled as he picked up the multiple pink bags, looking none too pleased. He shot a look at the unforunate shopkeeper that told the poor man that one day death was going to come a-knocking and it would have Grimmjow's face.

Orihime didn't even notice as she grabbed Rukia's hand and skipped out of the shop, sadly forgetting to pay for her engagement ring.

XXX

"All I'm saying is that these outfits would look so much better with just a splash of pink!"

Ulquiorra's one eye glanced over to Zael's bright pink hair. He repressed a shudder. He was very good at that. His one eye turned back to help its partner survey the design for his latest creation.

It needed more ruffles.

Ulquiorra added in more ruffles with his pencil.

"I'm tired of just wearing white and black. That's all we ever wear white and black. Blah, blah, blah, white and black. Blah, blah, blach, white and black."

Perhaps it could use less fabric too.

He went to erase the fabric around the stomach area when Halibel's voice came to him from the shadows.

_Do you have any idea how cold it gets during the night? And what about support I ask you? Where is my support?_

Ok. Keep the fabric. He would just add a high slit to the skirt instead.

"Blah, blah, blah, white and black."

He did so hope that Aizen-sama would like his latest creation.

"Blah, blah, blah, white and black."

Maybe he would even make Grimmjow wear the uniform, instead of like last time, where Aizen-sama had told the piece of trash to go and wear whatever he wanted. And after Ulquiorra had worked so hard on the extra-long sleeves that were to be Grimmjow's coat. They had reached the ground even when Grimmjow had held his arms up high in the air.

"Blah, blah, blah, white and - ACK!"

The "ACK!" was quickly followed by a bang, as Orihime burst through the door looking as pleased as punch about something or other.

Zael now had a bloody nose.

The girl pranced up to Ulquiorra's desk and plopped a dark blue velvet box onto of his latest design, and beamed down at him. She pulled out a small mirror from the pocket of her dress and eyed her features. After a moment of adjusting her hair, she put the mirror away and smiled at Ulquiorra again. She held out her left hand, fingers spread wide.

"Okay. Now, I'm ready."

Ulquiorra remained expressionless.

Orihime continued smiling.

Ulquiorra's expression didn't change.

Orihime's smile start to slip, and her foot began tapping impatiently.

Ulquiorra continued to look at her.

Orihime began to frown.

"Well? Get on with it." She sounded annoyed. Had Loli and Menoli eaten her breakfast again?

"On with it."

She nodded. "Yes. On with it."

"It."

Orihime glared. "You are ruining the happiest moment in my life to date. You should stop. Right. Now." She shoved her hand closer to his face. She appeared to have had her nails recently painted a light pink colour. He wondered if she had perhaps been talking to Zael recently. That was never a good thing - for anyone.

"The happiest moment of your life."

Orihime's glare tripled in deadliness. "Get down on your knees." She spoke very quietly - she seemed to have a habit of doing that before she hurt someone very badly - usually by bitch slapping them.

Ulquiorra had learned by now that it was not wise to disobey her when she was in a mood. He got down on his knees.

"Take the box."

He took the box.

"Open it."

He opened it. It appeared to hold a gold ring with a very green stone.

"Turn it towards me. NOW."

He turned it towards her.

"Look up at me."

He turned his head to an angle that would allow him to view her face without causing too much discomfort.

"Say: 'Orihime, even though I am not worthy to walk upon the same earth as you, seeing as how I almost ruined the most important day of your life to date, a day so sacred that it should be forever remembered in all its ethernal glory for ever and ever, even after we're both long dead-'"

"It is impossible for me to die."

Orihime grabbed him by the shirt collar and shook him roughly. "DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK?!" She took a deep breath and smiled: "And then you say: 'Orihime, you would make me the happiest man-'"

"I'm not a man."

Orihime looked murderous at this point. "'You would make me the happiest ESPADA,'" She shot him a pointed look. "'If you would consent to be my wife and stay by my side forever and ever.'"

Ulquiorra opened his mouth and in a monotone stated: "Orihime, even though I am no worthy to walk upon the same earth as you, seeing as how I almost ruined the most important day of your life to date, a day so sacred that it should be forever remembered in all its ethernal glory forever and ever, even after we're both long dead. Orihime, you would make me the happiest Espada, if you would consent to be my wife and stay by my side forever and ever." He looked at her for his next instructions.

"Pull out the ring and put it on my finger."

Ulquiorra took the ring and put it on the finger she had pointed to. Immediately, Orihime let out a squeal and launched herself at him.

"Oh yes, Ulquiorra! Oh! This is the happiest day of my life!" She grabbed his face and kissed him hard on the mouth. "I've never been so happy in all my life." She kissed him again. "I'm going to make you such a good wife!" Another kiss, this time one that drew blood.

Zael edged forward, holding his bloodly nose. "May I be the first to congradulate you on your upcoming wedding."

"Upcoming wedding." Ulquiorra stated, starting to understand what had happened.

Orihime kissed him again, and grabbed his shoulders so forcibly that she ribbed the fabric of his uniform with her nails.

XXX

Dr. Ryuuken Ishida, head of the Karakura Hospital, did not look very happy as he stood over the two groaning bodies of two teenage boys. He shot a sharp glance over to his _friend_ and colleague, Dr. Isshin Kurosaki, who was attempting to comfort his three beautiful daughters.

"Now, now." He pleaded with the sobbing Yuzu. "There's no need to be upset! They're just suffering from love-sickness! It's something every young man goes through at some point in his life."

Rukia looked slightly confused. "Ishida, I can understand. He's been in love with Orihime ever since..." She paused and thought for a moment. She snapped her fingers and continued. "Since summer. But Ichigo? Who's he been pinning after all this time?"

Karin patted her on the shoulder. "Who knows, Rukia-nee? Who knows?" Judging from the look on her face, the girl knew very well who her brother was pinning after.

"Oh, Rukia-chan!" Isshin twirled over to her. He clapsed her hands. "Aren't you just dying to know who Ichigo has been in love with all this time? Who causes his heart to start beating erratically whenever she steps into the room? Who's the star of all of his midnight fantasies, including..." He grinned. "His more erotic dreams?"

Ryuuken decided to save the poor female Soul Reaper before Isshin completely scarred her for life. "Poison, Isshin? You put poison into the beer?"

There was a silent pause before Rukia gasped and clapped her hands over her mouth, and Yuzu burst into tears, and Karin proceeded to kick her father right where it hurt - in his idiot head.

"That hurts daddy's head!" Isshin wailed.

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" Demanded Karin. "WERE YOU TRYING TO KILL HIM?!"

Isshin whimpered. "But Karin! Daddy only realized this morning that he had never bothered to make his beloved son's body immune to poison! And you know what they say! Better late than never!"

"Ichi-nii's going to die!" Yuzu burst into sobs and grabbed onto Rukia's waist.

Rukia looked absolutely furious. "Don't you know?" She demanded. "You're supposed to start with very small doses before gradually increasing the intake of poison! You don't give them enough poison to kill a small elephant on the first try! Honestly, if you had wanted to do that you should have consulted me first!"

There was a brief pause of silence. Ryuuken really did not want to know how the girl knew so much about gaining an immunity to poison.

"Hmm... that feels nice, Rukia. Real nice."

Rukia pointed to Ichigo. "And why hasn't he stopped acting crazy yet?"

Isshin opened his mouth. Karin kicked him in the mouth.

Ryuuken offered what was supposed to be a comforting smile. "It appears that he is still suffering from the affects of the poison. He should be fine by tomorrow." There was no way he was going to tell her what was really going on.

"Good. Because if he starts acting all touchy-feely like he did in the car ride over..." The girl looked rather threatening, even with her hair tossled, several buttons missing from her dress, and carrying a pair of bloody heels in her hand. (The boy had needed several stitches after the number she had pulled on him. They had needed three strong male nurses to pull her off of him).

Ryuuken got the message loud and clear.

"Right." Rukia nodded and grabbed Ichigo's coat off his chair. She pulled it over her shoulders. "We'll be going home now." She turned to Isshin. "The keys. To your car. NOW."

"B-but Rukia-chan!"

Rukia grabbed him by the collar, and without further aideu twisted his arm painfully around his back. Ignoring his wails of "Ow! It hurts! It hurts, Rukia-chan!", she fished out a ring of keys from his right coat pocket. Smirking to herself, she released him.

"Right. Karin. Yuzu. We're leaving." She headed towards the door, the two younger girls following her.

"What about me, Rukia-chan?" Isshin called from his fetal position on the floor. "What about daddy?"

Rukia raised a delicate eyebrow. "You can come walk home. It will give you time to think about what you've done."

"But, but Rukia-chan!"

"No buts."

Ryuuken smirked.

"Do you even know how to drive Rukia-chan?"

The girl looked insulted. "Of course I know how to drive. One of the first things I did upon coming here was to take Ichigo's money and find as many research books as possible."

"Rukia-nee," Karin intoned. "I don't think that **Initial D** counts as a driving manual."

Rukia waved her hand. "Nonsense. What else does manga exist for but to serve as a learning tool?"

The girls walked out the door still arguing about this fact of life.

Isshin winced as he stood up and walked over to a chair. "Quite the grip she has there."

Ryuuken hid his smile. "Indeed."

Uryuu murmured in his sleep. "Was it because he had more original designs than me, Orihime? Was that it?"

"Oh Rukia..." Ichigo clung to his pillow, which he seemed to believe was Rukia. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

A screech of tires rang out from the parking lot.

"If it makes you feel any better," Ryuuken started. "Masaki would have loved her."

Isshin grinned. "True, true."

There was a crash as Ichigo fell off the bed. He let out another giggle. "No, I love you more, Rukia."


End file.
